Today, April 19th, 2020 would be Maggie’s 20th birthday.
It’s hard to put into words how I felt as this milestone day approached and is now here. If you are grieving a loss – any loss, you understand what the “anniversaries” and what special days like birthdays and holidays feel like year round. They bring up memories of what still should be.
“Sometimes the pain is so deep, you feel physically ill, like I do today. My stomach is churning with anxiety and intense dread because of what today should be. It should be Maggie’s 20th birthday. And we should be celebrating.”
Maggie’s dad and I sat eating homemade hummus for dinner last night and knew were she alive, and home, she’d be sitting down with us eating one of her favorite snacks. We wondered what she’d look like now and tried hard to picture her sitting with us. But the Maggie I see in my mind is not the woman she would be today, it’s an image of how I remember her. I imagine she’d be even more beautiful than she was. If that’s possible.
The isolation and current threat of more illness and death hangs like a dark cloud over everything. That cloud sits over us daily since she died, but now feels even darker and heavier. There’s no escaping it by getting out, meeting friends, meeting family, or traveling. There’s just a sad and lonely house. A house where Maggie no longer lives.
I think back to three years ago this very day, when Maggie asked for a huge birthday bash realizing it would be her last. Here is a video from that day. It was probably one of the hardest days ever. Watching our beautiful and brave daughter try and make the best of the worst life can throw at you. There’s a lesson in that, though it’s admittedly hard to follow.
The Angelversary Gala that we have held in honor of Maggie’s dying wish to fund research to find cures for pediatric cancer and to help families has been rescheduled until October 9th. The event takes a year of planning and had to be postponed until the threat has been alleviated. But when will that be?
All of us have had to change course, at least temporarily. This foundation too. During a time that feels helpless, and to honor Maggie’s giving spirit, we implemented The Homebound Virtual Road Trip Challenge.
Maybe you’ll consider participating and supporting in honor of Maggie’s birthday? While we can’t shower Maggie with physical gifts, we can still remember her with gifts that help others.
The fundrasier will help fund food banks, families, and healthcare workers affected by COVID-19.
Steve and I did two videos of our own homebound virtual road trip destinations. We had lots of ideas swirling around that we should have implemented to help motivate but sometimes it’s hard to stay motivated and feel silly in grief. Grief sometimes paralyzes and is a soul crushing weight.
Maybe we will find the energy and strength to do another virtual road trip video today in honor of Mags, but if we don’t, perhaps our followers and supporters will? In the banner photo, Maggie was enjoying her own road and canoe trip in the beautiful Adirondack mountains. One of her favorite places.
Let’s do what we always do, come together in the face of adversity and feel good by doing good. Even if you don’t feel up to participating, please consider a donation of $20 in honor of her 20th.
“When it hurts real bad, don’t give up. When you feel there’s no hope, don’t give up.
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